My First and Number One

                Nothing beats every first. When we are the first-born child, we are our parents’ and grandparents’ favorite. When we win first place in a contest, we are guaranteed of a VIP treatment. When we have our first day in school or at work, we have overflowing excitement. All of these are indications of a first—precious, memorable and probably, the best.

                There’s a secret I want to share. I have found my every “firsts” in just one person. In my 24 years of existence, I never realized this thing until today. It should have been any other day, but I guess, it had to be today. For some time now, I couldn’t get that person out of my mind. It’s like, everywhere I go, that person’s with me. Flashbacks and visits in my dreams are inevitable too. Not that I don’t like this kind of drama but maybe, I’m just not used to it.

                Okay, enough of the introductions. I am writing today because I miss her. God, I miss my mom. I miss her face, her smiles, her gestures but most of all, I missed her eyes. I don’t know what’s with them but when I look into those eyes, I feel so loved. I don’t remember feeling so loved more than she ever made me feel. Truthfully, I don’t remember any memory of her until today. When she was gone, seems like a huge eraser has swiped my brain and I couldn’t go back to the days when she was still with me. When someone asks me about my childhood, I usually have a hard time answering because I cannot clearly remember everything. There are things that I remember but the things involving her, I don’t. But being in that state of having a partial amnesia, I knew that it was for the best that I didn’t remember. If I remembered everything about her, I would have had depression. I would have lived an awful life knowing that the most important person in my life is now out of my grasp and never again will I have the chance to be with her again.

                This morning when I woke up, it dawned on me that it has been 14 years since I had the most vivid memory of her. We were happy and we were talking about what I would like to be when I grow up. Then, I don’t really have any ambition or dream but I remember saying I want to be a teacher like her. Did I mean it when I said that? I don’t know. All I know is that on that very moment, I wanted to make her happy for the rest of my life as what she did for me from the day that I was born. Too bad, I came out late.

                As I lament with words about her, I came to realize that she is indeed “My First and Number One”. When I came into this world, she was the first person that I saw. She was the one who first heard my first cry, saw my first walk and cleaned my first poop. When I first got interested with studying, she was my very first teacher. When I was first recognized in my scholastic abilities, she was my number one fan. Also, she was the first one to introduce music into my life and even bought me the first and last cassette tape that I had. When I learned to play the only board game that I am good at, she was my number one opponent. I wonder if I was really good at it or she just lets me win every time we play. She was my everything and though we are one lifetime away, I know she’ll always be the first person that I loved.

                Nothing beats every first. There, I said it again. I know that my life will no longer be complete because she’s not here anymore but her memories will always be in my heart. She is my first mom, my last mom but she is definitely the best. No words can explain how lucky I am that I was her child. If I would have the chance to choose who’ll be my mother, I will always choose her. If ever I would have another partial amnesia, I know my heart will still recognize her.

                Today, I don’t know how to say happy now that she’s not with me. But for me, everyday is her day because I know she loved me.

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